Yes, the holidays are finally here and there are many families who turn to grandparents to take care of their children. When the grandparents they become caregivers of the children naturally apply their rules, their ideas about the care of grandchildren ... disagreement in parenting guidelines It can become a cause of conflict between parents and grandparents. What to do when parents say one thing and grandparents say another?
The best start: empathy
Maybe what the grandmother has done or what the grandfather said seems like an attack, or something so inadmissible that it has bothered you greatly. But stop for a second and think about the intention they really had. Ok, I know there are cases and cases, people and people, and this is not always going to be the case, but on many occasions the grandparents' intention, however invasive it was, was to help us, that is, it was with love .
This does not mean that if we do not agree, we must remain silent "because as they do with good intention ...": trying to be empathetic and understand the background does help us reduce the level of anger, not to pass it to the ground of the personal attack. In this way we will be able to address the situation with more calm and clearer mind (and with more affection, something that never hurts).
In the opposite direction it should also remind grandparents that their children are now parents, a new role, that they are still building their "fatherhood" (and will continue, because it is a learning that never ends). You may be very clear about what there is or what not to do, but it is they, the parents of the child, who have to make the decisions, learn about the path, make mistakes ... and also succeed, just as you did when they formed his family.
Who is who in childcare? Defining roles
Throughout the holidays the grandchildren will spend almost more time with the grandparents than with their parents (the conciliation, which we already know how it is). Who decides the rules? (I would like to point out that I am not talking about when grandparents are the usual caregivers of grandchildren, which then would have to clarify some points.)
We must define the role of each other to avoid misunderstandings, expectations, etc. That is, specify in advance what role we are going to develop each of us, what is expected of the grandparents and of course if they agree with this or not, there would be more.
For this it is convenient that the parents:
Let us clearly convey what rules and what parenting guidelines they are the ones that they develop at home, and therefore we expect them to remain at the grandparents' house (or in the presence of grandparents as caregivers).
Send our needs to the grandparents in the best possible way, while we make them see how important these points are for us, and that they, the grandparents, support us in our decisions.
Respect the differences between the role of parents and grandparents: they are more permissive, have another age ... so that certain rules and guidelines that we have set may not be feasible for grandparents to supervise or carry out.
Understand that the role of grandparents, as I said, is more focused on caring, pampering, supporting and caring than educating ... which is the role (I speak in general) of parents.
But how do we convey our needs to grandparents (if sometimes they ignore)?
Team: the key, the first step and the most important thing is that the couple has to make a team indivisible in this sense (and in many others). What is decided as a couple must defend itself and remain before third parties.
In private and in pairs we must negotiate the limits and norms that we want to transmit to grandparents, and decisions will be made.
You have to "choose the battles": There may be seventy things that your parents or your in-laws do that irritate you, but trying to change them all is somewhat unreal and will only cause your wear. Take some time to determine what things are really important to you, the red lines, the inalienable ones, and go for them. If the grandparents like to dress the little one in a way that is not your style, but they also go crazy giving chocolate at all times ... what is more important? Giving them some court, making some concessions, it is important, the quid pro quo makes things easier.
It is usually recommended that the direct family member of the grandparents be the one who transmits the message, since the level of trust and intimacy is higher (and in a way we avoid putting the other member of the couple, who is a political family) in an awkward situation. . However, this obviously depends on the relationship we have with the grandparents, that is, it depends on each family.
Be consistent with decisions: sometimes you have to remind them several times. For this reason we must do it with love, without being unpleasant. Remember that our goal is to meet them, not to conflict with them, so let's try to say it in the best possible way.
Some keys (for everyone)
Avoid confrontations in the presence of children since this makes both parents and grandparents, who in both cases (even with different characteristics) are authority figures for children, remain unauthorized.
If there are points of disagreement they will be commented In private, and never in the presence of children. That is, before them we must show unity and coherence of criteria, as is recommended among the members of the couple.
Reinforcement: Both of us are performing a task with which we do not always feel safe, hence it is important that we reinforce each other. Thanking, praising an action or recognizing the virtues are behaviors that cost nothing, make us all feel better and that everything flows more easily.
The relationship between parents and grandparents is not always easy, especially when, as I said, there are disagreements regarding the care of children. But we must not lose sight of what ultimately we all want is the welfare of the kids, so let's do everything in our hands, those of parents and grandparents, to guarantee it: and that happens by reaching agreements.
Photos: iStockphoto
In Babies and more: Children who grow up near their grandparents are happier
