COMPARING CHILDREN IS A FREQUENT BUT QUITE HARMFUL MISTAKE

We resume our Maternity and Paternity Course, and we continue to explain in a concrete way some mistakes that parents, possibly with the best intention in the world, make in the education of our children. And we also come back with examples of phrases not to be said, in this case that typical of: "You should learn from your brother".

When the parents say this phrase or one of the similar ones like "Look how well your brother behaves" or "Your brother doesn't give me as many dislikes as you do", the parents are possibly overwhelmed by some behavior of their child and try to Offer a valid model showing what the brother does if we are pleased.

But, provided that the intention is good and there is no certain desire for revenge or blackmail the child (which also occurs because the parents are not perfect) the error is very big.

Jealousy and resentment

When the brother is offered as a model and the "good" brother is also used to zah the other what is being done, in reality, it is feed the grudge and jealousy in the reconvened.

We put a wall between the brothers, making one feel proud and also, sanctioned for him also, meanwhile, verbally attack the brother and tell him that he is worse than him.

We do something we don't want children to do

If we do it we have no argument or moral weight to then prevent each other from being treated like this, therefore, be very careful with this, because we cannot demand that children do things that we do not do, nor is it worth "is that we are the parents and we have to educate. "

To educate is not to say what to do or punish if something bad is done, to really educate is to set an example, guide and containment. If we fail in the example, nothing we will say later will have credibility.

We teach you that the other is better

Also, with the phrase "learn from your brother", we harm the child, we don't teach him anything, it is as if we put salt in the wound and we indicated that, not only not good enough for us, but we prefer the other.

Bad lesson choice for a child who, even if he misbehaves, loves us and wants us to accept him and help him improve. Let's avoid the odious comparisons, especially with siblings, but also with cousins, friends or classmates. Every child deserves to be unique and be helped as an individual.

A closed message

The message implied in the sentence "learn from your brother" it is, although it is difficult for us to admit, that the other does it better and, in the child's mind, it can simply be translated into the subject is closed, he is worse than his brother.

If the phrase is repeated regularly it will creep up and the child will come to believe that it is not worth it, in fact, to strive, he will always be outdone in good qualities and will always lose out in the distribution of the love and respect of his parents. It is always the worst, it will always be the worst. It can't really improve, because, even if you try, the phrase of "learn from your brother" appears continuously.

It is not a good resource for communication with children and is worse the more commonly used.

Remember if they told you

I invite you to review the topic in which we analyze resources to improve communication with our children and, if you detect that you tend to use that phrase (possibly because your parents used it before) you stop to think what effect it had on you, whether you were the example brother or the "bad" brother.

Did you like to hear it? I bet not. Did it help you to improve? Sure not. Did it make you admire your brother or feed the rejection and the feeling of superiority or inferiority? I don't think anyone felt more love and closeness to their brother if parents constantly compared them. Right no?

A lot of rivalry and clashes between brothers They are not born spontaneously, nor are children cruel by nature, it is adults who make them that way because of our mistakes in communicating with them and who hinder the brothers from loving each other without harming themselves. Surely you can tell us about your childhood in this regard.

An open message

Of course there are alternatives to the phrase of "learn from your brother" and are the ones that will include open messages, of encouragement and confidence, and above all, individual and without comparisons. Let us explain to children how they can improve, but do not crush them for their failures or compare them, diminishing or humiliating them, with others, much less with their own siblings.