HOW TO MANAGE DISCUSSIONS WITH YOUR TEENAGE SON, AND NOT DIE TRYING

One day that little creature that was your little one, the one that listened to you dumbfounded when you told her anything or answered her questions, throws you an “Is that you do not understand me” in the middle of an argument in which, in addition, there seems to be no way out . Communicate with a teenage son It can be difficult for us, but there are ways to do it to get it to fruition.

Don't fear the discussions

When we think to discuss we imagine a very unpleasant situation in which we had a bad time, but in reality those are just the poorly managed discussions, those in which we have lost control and the objective of sight.

Discussing is something absolutely healthy, necessary and great.. In fact it is a way of learning and even a way of personal development.

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Our teenagers are in full formation of their identity, in a boiling stage of their development, and the discussions, well conducted, are a great opportunity for them in many ways:

Training your communication skills: Home, with us, your parents, is a wonderful training ground for your communication skills. Learning to listen, to respect shifts, to debate without twitching, are tools that will be extremely useful in life. So let's try, as always, to be the best possible model for them.
Critical Thought Development: in the framework of the discussions, of the debates, it is favored that they reflect on their ideas, those of others, that they question them, in addition to learning to defend their principles and to argue.
Empathy Development: effective communication, the exchange of ideas and feelings favors empathic development, seeing that there are other positions, other "universes", knowing how to put ourselves in the place of the other and being respectful of their needs.
It's a time to be them, to talk about them ... to make yourself known. Hence, it is so important that we listen to them and do not limit ourselves to imposing our criteria. They no longer feel children, they feel adults and they want respect from peer to peer, they want to hear what they have to say. And they have every right.

How to communicate with a teenage son effectively and respectfully

1. It is not a sermon, it is a conversation

If we are sitting in a chair, if we just give them our point of view as instructions, without further contemplation, without dialogue, we will lose them. Obviously they will feel that we do not listen to them and that we are not interested in their opinion.

This must be a dialogue, they need to have a voice and feel that we take into account their arguments and their needs. Your child must be clear that he can speak with you, that he can express himself freely, because this is the trust framework that we need to have us and not be "the enemy."

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2. Be the best possible model

As I said before, they are developing their communication skills in part with the interactions they make with us, so that we should serve as an example, a good example, in addition.

Remember that, although you may already find yourself an adult in some things, you are how old you are and you are going through the stage you are going through. So, no matter how well you think that expresses, emotions are what they are, and you do the management you do with them as you can.

You are the adult, the one with experience, the one who has to be calm and the one who has to lead the conversation without losing his temper.

3. If we get very intense ...

Sometimes the discussion gets distorted along the way and ends up becoming something very emotional where rational arguments have long ceased to exist. In those moments we have probably already lost the objective of the conversation on both sides.

A good strategy, when we have entered into a tone that is too emotional and not rational, and therefore discussing is getting complicated, is to return to the point of the conversation.

Asking closed questions (those that can be answered with a single word, with a yes or a no) can help us to mark a dividing line with respect to the above and to resume the conversation from a calmer base.

So what you want is to come back later today, right? If you ask about your goal you will be helping him to calm down and he will feel you attend to him, that you want to find an arrangement to the situation.

4. A pause in time is a victory

It is possible that a discussion gets out of hand, that we enter a dead end or do nothing but walk in unproductive circles.

In these cases where communication is no longer being effective, the risk of turning it into a fight or entering into muddy lands is great, so it is better to pause than continue towards that lethal destination.

Stop, go to the kitchen for a drink, or go outside ... Postpone the conversation to another time when you are both calmer. You never come to fruition from a monumental anger.

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5. Do not attack

If you criticize him openly, if you throw something in his face, he will inevitably be placed on the defensive, and then, again, we will have lost him.

It is possible that you have things to reprove, changes that you think you have to do or directly rules that must be met, but you have to have a little left hand, use a little parental marketing to sell these ideas without being put to defensive

And beware, this does not happen only to teenagers. Think: What happens when your partner throws something in your face? The most common thing is that you immediately become defensive and then move on to the classic “And you more”. And this leads nowhere.

6. Respect

You may not understand anything he is telling you or that you think is a sovereign swim, but for him that can be a world.

Teenagers live very intensely things that seem to us anecdotal to adults, and we should not forget it, because they despise what they tell us or take away from it, they live it as if we are not interested in them or their things. They may feel questioned or not at all, and then they will close in band.

Understand or not what he wants to tell you is essential that respect governs the conversation, because yes, it has many hormones, but it also has its feelings, and deserves our total respect.

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7. Recognize your victories

Even though you are the adult and you think you have everything under control and that you are right ... it is possible that your son taught you something or showed you that you were in error.

Accepting that we are wrong or that another is right is not easy, but it is a wonderful example of maturity for our teenagers, as well as a point of recognition that will make them feel great.

Listen to what he has to say, because it is very possible that he will surprise you.

7. Remember that even though it seems like he hates you, he really needs you

No matter how angry he is with you, no matter how hard he tries to show how unfair you look and "how bad", he really still needs you like when he was a little boy.

He needs us to be there to listen to him, as he said, to guide him, to pick him up when he falls and to guide him when he needs it ... despite how difficult it sometimes puts him.

Be patient, remember that for him it is also a special, complicated stage, that a tsunami is going through his body and his mind ... This will help you in those moments when you too are lost As the father of a teenager. Cheer up!